So, for the past two years (2018-2019), I have been creating my personal blog but then I immediately delete it once I lose motivation. Then I regret it and I start over again. I have lost 3 domain names, my entire blog with all my blog posts that are ranking – all because of depression. I lost my self, my identity, my life.
I was in a state where I can’t make the right decisions for my self and my family. I was overwhelmed, and I think I still am but I am getting help to manage it.
I feel like my mind will explode every time I try to think, no matter how petty a thought is.
I have tried several times to pick my self up, make temporary solutions to problems and end up getting demotivated and depressed. For the past 12 months, I have quit 2 jobs and I feel like I’m wasting everybody’s time including my family’s.
One of my outlets where I can release my creative juices is my personal blog. By writing my thoughts and experiences, I feel more relaxed, free and happy. Happy’s a strong word for me but I still feel like I’m released. It relieves my tension headaches and panic attacks.
I last had my blog published last 2019 and I haven’t shared any updates since. Let’s skip Christmas and New Year because nothing really happened then. Seriously.
Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that holiday celebrations aren’t the same when you grow up. Christmas celebrations and NYE aren’t as big a deal as they were when we were like 10 years old.
Without further adieu, here are the changes that I made in my life, and so far, 2020 has been great for me and my family.
1. I quit my 9-5 job.
Remember when I shared that I resigned from my job as a Fraud Specialist in a Financial Institution, no? I know I shared it somewhere. Anyway, I resigned from that bank and took a break because, again, depression. No valid reason, really.
Out of need and insanity, I decided to work again just January of this year in a small BPO company as a CSR. Training was fun because you literally don’t do anything except let everyone else know that you’re smarter than them. Other than that nothing, but earning.
When on the production floor and already taking in calls, I realized that I was in the same exact place 5 years ago and I promised myself that once I get up the rank, I will never work as an agent again.
But I was there, taking phone calls, pitching sales and pretend that I care for my customers when in fact I just really want to resolve the concern as fast as I could.
Stress is a major factor why I explode and the biggest contributor to stress is lack of sleep. When I was working, I have to wake up 2 hours before my shift to allow time for preparation and commute, plus the hours spent travelling home. I spend like 12-14 hours in a day working and travelling.
I was thinking that working in the office would help me forget all my stressors and I will meet new friends and that I will gain my confidence back. But I was wrong. As a person suffering from anxiety and depression, my job is the major culprit for my attacks so Tee and I decided that I should quit.
I am so happy that he is so supportive with all my decisions and that he understands where I’m coming from. He knows how hard it is for me and he don’t want me to drag myself to work just for the sake of working and earning.
Honestly, it was the best decision ever.
Now, thankfully, I got a remote job where I get to do what I love doing – Website and graphic design. I can work in my undies and I don’t have to spend a lot of time traveling, leaving my son behind and draining all my energy. I can work and look over him at the same time. Did I mention that I love what I’m doing? Really.
It was freeing. It was amazing.
2. I talk now.
I’ve been more open to Tee about what needs to be done at home. I ask him to wash the dishes or mop the floor, and he does it without complaint.
I still go blank about what needs to be done or what needs to be delegated but the more I talk to him about what I need, the more he helps me, the fewer things I need to think about.
3. I am trying to write everything.
I keep this small notebook where I write every little thing that I need to be reminded about — from the date when I deposited money to my checking account, to grocery lists. meal plan, and my schedule for the day. Everything. I forget to write sometimes but when I feel like my headaches, I know that there are a lot in there I need to write down and that I might explode if I don’t do it right away.
It was very helpful, we noticed.
I brain dump in that small notebook. Funny how that little notebook can help me unload my thoughts when my brain can no longer handle it all.
4. I got myself some good eyeglasses.
It took me a long while to accept the fact that I need eyeglasses. I wear graded contacts when I go out, like work and stroll but when at home, I remove it and pretend as if my vision’s clear. My head always hurts, I am always nauseous and my eyes are always tired.
I went to Pascual Optical at SM Bicutan to have my eyes checked. When I spoke with the doctor, I was told that my eyeglasses prescription went up
from -1.25 to -1.75 plus .25 astigmatism in both eyes. They’re -2.50 now with .50 astigmatism.
That’s why they hurt a lot.
That’s why my head feels like being squeezed so tight. I can barely do things.
I can’t wash dishes or do laundry. It interferes with my daily life. I can’t even blog because my head hurts a lot by staring at my laptop’s screen.
It’s better now. So much better.
5. I am slowing things down.
I am trying to live a slow life. I realized that finishing everything as fast as I can is not doing me any good. I had this mindset that if I do more and finish all the things I needed to do in a day, I am more productive. But this fast-paced environment I got used to is a major culprit of my stress.
When I tried slowing down, I feel calmer, happier.
I’m not perfect at it but I’m definitely trying to do it every day.
Aside from slowing things down, I changed my wallpaper to a minimal wallpaper to avoid clutter on my phone’s screen. Deleted applications that are of no use which consumes unnecessary space in my storage and my phone screen.
I deleted social media apps on my phone and deactivated my accounts including Facebook, and Twitter. I still have Instagram on my phone but I have already been unfollowing people that make me feel weak and stressed. I will only check my Social Media pages according to schedule and using my laptop. Plus I hide the IG app so I can’t check on it every day. So far, so good. I just check on it once a week, sometimes none.
I have a lot to write, I think. Lot of things to share. I will write more when I can think more. Till next time.
PS. My blog is still under construction so bear with me. Update: July 2020, it’s still under construction. 😂